So I like to be alone

I like to be alone. Thats not shocking to me and those who know me. I also like to be with people. In fact, I spend way more time with others than I spend alone. I mean, I CHOOSE to spend more time with people than I spend alone. But when I'm wanting alone time, I'm wanting alone time. No way around it.

Its more than a want, its a need. I need to rest. I need to think. I need quite. I don't want music on in the background or conversation here or there. I want my phone turned off and my computer as far away as possible. The TV is not even a thought. I'd rarely even pick up a book. Why read someone else's thoughts when I can't even grasp my own, at least in these moments. I love to read, but not in those silent moments. I need my journal at best and a good pen, although pencil is my choice. I just want to think, to write, to pray. To be. Do you realize how awkward these moments can me. Yet these are the moments that I've come to know the Jesus I call savior, the me I call desperate and the world I see as broken. They are beautiful moments.

Confession all the while. I suffer deeply from ATMS. Afraid to miss something. No seriously, I'm not joking although it sounds funny. Mom, I blame you. Or rather, I thank you. I come from a family of includers, although its not one of my top five strengths from Strengths Finder (which everyone should do...its great!) I don't know if anyone in my family has done SF, but I just KNOW a lot of them are includers. As a result, I want to be included in things. So when I retreat, I keep thinking...am I missing something, whats going on, who all is hanging out. It becomes my distraction when I'm alone and all of the sudden alone time becomes weighted down by burden and freed up saying no. Its a great contradiction.

So thats my struggle right now. Rather than struggle, its just where I'm at. Last night as people were all hanging out, I kept saying no. All the while, ATMS was kicking in. But I had to be alone. I like to be alone and I have to embrace that!